I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
