capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
