A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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