he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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