I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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