Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
