Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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