i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
