when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
