no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
