my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Even my vagina gasped.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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