Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
