I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
did i walk over a car last night?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
