so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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