i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
