so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my phone needs a breathalizer
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
