My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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