hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
