This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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