It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize