Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
