ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just threw up on my dentist
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
