I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
