just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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