I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
