some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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