Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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