We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
