You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
