So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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