I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize