I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
