3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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