is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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