broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
