I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
