As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
