can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
