dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
