I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
