I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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