some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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