saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
