nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
nutella sex= disaster
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
