you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
