if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
