guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
