I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
