Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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