i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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