Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
