im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
