bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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