Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
