My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I got inside last night via doggy door
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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