Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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