Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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