you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize