I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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