Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
